We went out and did a bit of geocaching yesterday. We were reasonably successful, having found five, but the last one totally stumped us. It was in an area thick with junipers and wading through them or touching them to look underneath a nearby rock was prickly. The youngest member of our party complained but was a real trooper and kept looking. We had to finally call it quits as the day was getting long and we were getting frustrated but it was a beautiful spot (most of our caching being in the country-side) and a pleasant hike and we may try again. It is a good lesson to take when we remember our successes, recognize that the thorny bits sometimes set us back, and that even if we don’t hit our goal, we can have fun trying.
Self-development at 3:30am
A feature of the Enneagram 9 personality type is a certain slothfulness in terms of self-care and self-development. I’ve been trying to do better; meditation, yoga, journaling, to-do lists, and so on. Last night, I stepped out of my normal insular routine to go hang out with some neighbours. And in the midst of all the snacks and wine and guitars and songs, I realized that this, too, is a form of self-development. It has been a load of fun getting to know these folks better and just spending some time in a room full of people just doing their best to be happy for a little while is, in fact, a form of self-care. That in itself is an interesting proposition – to go to a party with the conscious intent of taking care of oneself mentally and spiritually.
Walk Gently
I discovered a bees’ nest in the woodpile today. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen one before, not up close anyway. Being very familiar with wasp nests I heard the buzz and was expecting to have to get out the chemical arsenal and get rid of them. There was no cloud of angry insects though, and while I stood there puzzling these two bees came out to check out what was going on. I’ve since seen a bunch go in and out and they don’t seem to be upset that I’m there. I’ve left them in peace and left the wood there; I can find more. I have no quarrel with the bees nor they with me. It is a good lesson in going gently and thinking before acting.
Horsing Around
It always amazes me the number of things I don’t know about. I went with my partner today to get her some new, proper, boots for horsemanship. She’s an old hand at horses although circumstances forced her into a thirty year hiatus. Walking into the store the first thing you notice is the wonderful smell of leather; rich, natural, and laced with history. The second thing that struck me was that there is a lot of stuff in there that I know nothing about; buckles, clips, ropes too stiff to bend, and singularly uncomfortable hats with boxes to carry them in. I’m feeling rather fortunate to have this little window opened up into a world I have no experience in.
Empty Nest…?
Being Poly introduces some odd emotional entanglements. Our household is unconventional; consisting of myself, my partner, her husband, their two kids, and, until recently, my two kids. The last of mine moved out just a couple of weeks ago. And I’m feeling quite a range of emotions. I love their kids and we all get a long great but it just isn’t… the same. I feel less purposeful, rather melancholic, and this feeling is somewhat amplified watching them relate to their kids on a daily basis. I feel a bit more like a third-wheel. I know the feeling will pass eventually, especially if I give it room to just be what it is. Meanwhile, I’m going to do my best to engage with my now-further-away kids. And maybe I can teach theirs how to sail on my vacation this year.
You Deserve to be Happy
That’s some great advice that I gave to a friend a few evenings ago. She’s really down fighting too much stress and really didn’t want to hear it. And here I am the night before the beginning of what should be a good vacation, I have no real reason to feel down, and yet I really feel quite depressed. I could list all sorts of stressors that are going on but are they truly real reasons or just artifacts of a bunch of expectations and assumptions I make about myself? So I shall listen to my own advice and recognize, as step one on this vacation, that I deserve to be happy. Now I just have to believe it and go do it.
Ka-boom!
I’m sitting here watching the rain come down on what was a beautiful day. It wasn’t even in the forecast; it was a pleasant sunny day and then suddenly there was thunder and rain and a dog hiding under my desk. I’m sure it will clear up soon and the day will say farewell with a spectacular sunset. And there’s something to keep in mind when things don’t go the way you thought they would (like it seems for me every day at work recently); the rain and thunder may sneak up on you but eventually the clouds will clear and the sun will come out. Be patient and have faith.
Out of Steam
Today I’m all out of energy. It isn’t always easy to puzzle out why that is. Is it the ongoing work drama? Is it because I’m only a couple of days away from vacation and leaving loose ends lying around (I’m always afraid they’ll come back and bite me). Is it because the “up” of yesterday’s gig with my band has been met with an equivalent “down”. Or maybe it is just because the amount of energy we put out for a two hour concert, and the long drive there and back, and getting up early to work is just what it takes and one should expect to be tired. Regardless, I know I’m moving forward on the work drama, have vacation coming, and we had a load of fun last night. So maybe I’ll just try to find some satisfaction in that and head to bed.
Interesting Times
This week I start taking back my career. It is an odd situation to be in; to rebuild your job from the ground up. It means setting better boundaries. It means demanding more of some other people. It may mean disappointing a few people, or upsetting them as they have less access to me or have to fend for themselves. It definitely means some careful wading through the political landscape and I hope I haven’t misread my boss’s support for this change. I’m feeling some serious signs of stress as I head into this process. It is good to acknowledge this so I can work on seeing it as a positive opportunity with all sorts of possibility.
At Your Service
Providing acts of service is important to me. It is a big part of how I express love. It is also a reason that I’ve been successful in my career as a software developer. I think it has become a problem though; an addiction – unable to stop saying “yes”, I just keep piling on the work. Clearly it is time for a change in approach. Service does not necessarily mean doing everything for everybody without boundaries or conditions – that’s probably codependency. So letting others figure out their stuff and take responsibility for their own growth, learning, and trouble-shooting is a positive path. Ultimately, helping people find their independence may be the best service I could provide to them and, in doing so, provide some long neglected service to myself.
The Paragraph 